My Two Week Fasting...

I just finished a two week fast and I feel AMAZING! I decided that because fasting is simply taking your focus off something worldly and focusing that time on the Lord, I would fast from Facebook. Which was not very easy because it's how I keep in touch with all my loved ones, but it was well worth it. I began fasting because I had been praying for a breakthrough on something I had been praying for for some time now, but instead, it ended up being so much more.

I realized how 'loud' my life was. I was constantly moving and running and cleaning and cooking and working and mommy-ing and wife-ing and daughter-ing and sister-ing that I couldn't even hear myself think. And while I thought about God all day long and had miniature conversations with Him, I never had a chunk of time set aside from my day for Him. And I was suffering from that, but didn't realize it. I guess you don't know what you're missing until you get it. Instead of God giving me what I was praying for, He gave me something better. He gave me a moment of silence. He gave me a glimpse into my own heart. He gave me a CLEAR mind. I know it sounds crazy. How could I not know my own heart, my own mind? I thought I did. I THOUGHT I knew what I wanted. I spent so much time thinking of what I didn't have and paid no mind to what I did have. Why should I, I already have that, I already accomplished that...now on to get and accomplish more.

But during my fasting, during my more simplified, non-technological life, I began to do things I never had time to do before. Besides finally dedicating the very FIRST moments of my day with my Lord. I, after TWO years of saying I should, took Carlito on his first playdate and his first trip to the park for no reason. I organized all the things in the house I never had time for before. (Which in turn helped my relationship because Ricky sees I love him and provide him with a good home) I even made a homemade birthday cake for my niece's birthday. I never had time to make my own son a cake, let alone someone else's kid. And I gotta tell ya, it felt AMAZING. To see her face when she saw her cake that her Titi made her. Not just some cake I bought at the store. It's hard to describe, but it gives you a warm feeling. It takes you back down memory lane when our parents raised us and everybody made their children's cakes. It took me back to a time of innocence; before big birthday parties with bouncehouses and fancy cakes at children's parties. A time when your friends and family gathered around a table and watched your child blow their candles out. A time when you could socialize and enjoy your guests at the party instead of running around to make sure the decorations look ok and the clown is on time and the bounce house is working. I've vowed to myself to keep my son's birthday parties intimate and personal; which most of you know is UNHEARD OF for me, Miss I-love-planning-parties.

Along with doing things I never had time for before. This fasting made me realize things I didn't have 'time' to see before. I realized how much I love Ricky and how blessed I am to have him. How I love not only his qualities, but I love his flaws. I love that he's an amazing daddy and I love that he doesn't care about anybody in this world more than he cares about us. I realized that love ISN'T gonna go back to the way it was in the beginning, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. Love GROWS and I have to learn to GROW with it. I can't stay in the past because I'm missing out on the love he's giving NOW. I realized that I no longer care about a big wedding with perfectly coordinated decor, but that I'd rather be married on a Puerto Rican beach, or our backyard, or a grocery store, or a sidewalk. I don't care. I love him and I love Carlito and I only care about what makes US happy.

I also had 'time' to feel feelings that I was too busy to feel. Feelings I had tucked away. Feelings I had NO idea I had! The biggest of these was my feelings about being a working mother. I never realized how TRULY broken my heart is about being a working mother. I thought that the first day I went back to work and took him to the babysitter that I would cry ALL day and not be able to work, but in fact it was the opposite. I was excited to be at work (great paying job after being on unpaid maternity leave and bills piling up) and I was GRATEFUL for his amazing babysitter (she's my sis-in-law's mom). What could be better? I'm making money and my son is in good hands. So, when I finally 'felt' how heartbroken I was, I was surprised! I spent HOURS just crying. Ricky tried so hard, but I was inconsolable. I just had to 'feel' it and let it out. And boy was there ALOT to let out. The heartache and pain just kept flowing out through my tears. In fact, my eyes are watering now. Everytime I think of work and Carlito I cry. EVERY time. I don't know why. I know I'm blessed to be making enough money to support him, but my heart hurts. My soul aches so bad. I mean I always thought I'd be a stay-at-home mom for the same reasons other mothers do. You get to spend time with your child and not have to work, what a sweet life. But this feeling is more than that. This is more than wanting a convenient life and getting what I want. It's more than just a superficial dream. It's something (UGH, I can't type anymore cuz my tears are clouding my eyes and I can't see) It's something that I feel from deep inside me. My whole heart and soul aches because I can't be home with him. I can't teach him what he needs to know. I can't feed him what he should eat. I can't play his favorite games with him or kiss him when he goes down for a nap. I can't kiss his boo-boo's when he falls or smile and clap with him when he finally figures out how to do something new. I have to depend on someone else for that. And while I have the most AMAZING babysitter EVER...she's not me. She's not his mommy. I have to leave him at 8am and not see him again until 6pm and by then it's dinner time, cleaning up time, bath time and bed time. I say hi and bye to him. I feel like I'm losing bonding time with him and missing out on his discovery years. The years when he discovers the world and learns to become a little person with his own likes and dislikes and his own personality. It's just hard. I know it's not anything new. I know I'm not the first, but it's new to me, it's the first time for me. I've experienced pain and heartache. I've lost loved ones to death and gone through tough break-ups, but NOTHING competes with this. I could just cry and cry and cry. But the Lord is amazing. God not only forced me to feel these feelings, but He also gave me an answer to my pain. He never leaves us alone in our pain. Now it may not be an immediate, obvious answer like you're expecting. It's not some great work-at-home job. It's a comfort. It's a peace. It's knowing that this is something that my heart TRULY yearns for, not just something I superficially want so I can keep up with the Jones's. So I take my burden and my heart's deepest desire and give it to Him. It's ok to cry about it, but it's not ok to dwell and worry. I could spend my time stressing and trying to figure out how to be able to stay at home with him or worry what bad effects me not staying at home with him might have, but instead, I give it all to Him. He knows my heart and he knows what's good for me and what I need. And when the time is right, he will provide a way and I find great comfort in that. I find comfort in a God who loves me and who wants the best for me. I find comfort in Him.

Wow, this entry has lasted longer than I anticipated, but when you spend two weeks focusing on your God, you have alot to report about. I'm keeping some of it to myself. Keeping some of it sacred and between me and Him. But some of it is good to let go of and share. I'm glad to be back in the world of Facebook (I missed you guys), but I'm thankful for my refreshing new outlook on life. I'm thankful for my eyes being opened. I'm thankful that I have an amazing relationship with an amazing God.